Friday, February 3, 2012

"I didn't keep my boxes"

Warning- This post will contain:
*Too much information
*Evidence that shows how far from perfect I am
*News on our future

First a brief synopsis of the last 8 months-

Tyler's residency ends.  We still haven't closed on the practice we were trying to buy.  We are unemployed and paying on student loans.  We decide to take the safe, predictable job.  We move to Olympia.  We rent a house.  We instantly make great friends.  Love living by family.  Love Garret's school.  We decide that we can make the job work and let go of the idea of buying a practice.  We look at houses just for fun.  Find a forclosure that fits the house we have always dreamed about.  We decide since it fell in our laps to buy.  We are excited.  We move in.  We build shelves and spend ever waking minute working on the house.  It starts to feel like a home.  We spend our nights sitting on the couch talking about how we are going to grow old here.  Tyler starts getting fewer hours at work.  We start to think about if this is really going to work for the long term.  We want it to so we don't have to uproot ourselves again, but realize it's not what we thought we were getting into.  We hash it out night after night.  We are unsettled inside and unsure what to do.  The snow hits.  Tyler doesn't work for 6 days in a row.  We have no power.  We spend each day thinking about how much we wish he were working.  We are forced during the week to make some decisions.  We realize (for lots of reasons) this is not where we should stay for the long haul.

The last two months and especially the snow week were some of the hardest times we have had.  We were torn between wanting to stay for good reasons and wanting to leave for good reasons.  I felt angry about having to move again.  I felt frustrated that after years of living on nothing we were back to that again.  I was sad that switching jobs meant selling "our" house and letting go of the image I had of us having a place to grow old in.  Tyler felt discouraged that he wasn't giving me the things I wanted and burdened by decisions.  We were both upset (not so much with each other as with the situation).  One night we were talking and I said "I liked the plans I had and they were good things" I vented about it.  Tyler said "I liked your plans too, except how you wanted to paint Adele's room" (he was trying to lighten the mood).  For whatever reason that was the straw that broke the camels back.  I burst into tears and with great enthusiasm I said "It doesn't matter anyway, I'll never have a room to decorate for her" then I kicked the walker that happened to be in front of me (this is very out of character for me).  My foot was black and blue for a week and every time I walked I was humbled.

I assume if you are reading this you know us pretty well.  You know we have a great marriage.  With 100% sincerity I can say it's the best I could have ever dreamed of.  After the foot kicking incident I woke up and escaped my slump.  We talked like we always have in the past and reminded ourselves what was really important.  We realized all the frustration we felt was not intended for each other.  We are back on the same page.  It does not mean I won't cry when the house sells (I didn't even keep my boxes).  It doesn't mean I don't feel anxious as we send out applications across the country and try to decide on the future.  I am scared to make another move.  We tried taking the easy predictable job before and it didn't turn out well....or did it.  We made some great friends here and have loved our time here.  Maybe it was only meant to be an interlude.  I just don't know!

We listed our house this week.  I am back to keeping it clean all the time in hopes someone will want to look at it.  I spend my nights looking up jobs, in hopes we won't be unemployed again (and watching Dr Quinn when I just need a break- see another confession). We are in that place we didn't want to be again.  I guess we didn't learn what we were suppose to!  The hardest part for me is that when my mind is so occupied with the future I have a harder time living in the present.  I adore my kids so much I don't want to waste this time looking at jobs I want to be playing with them and enjoying these moments with them.  It feels like most of Titus's life has been spent moving from one place to another.  Feel free to throw a prayer our way that we can find out niche soon so I can enjoy what matters most even if it is not in the house of our dreams.

As you can see 2012 is going to be another adventure for us.  I am determined to see it as that!  I know that we are truly blessed and I would not trade our family or experiences for any others.  I am grateful for the good people we have met with each move.  It's been a ride already and we are only getting going.

Thank you for allowing me to vent!


Debbie said...

Now, doesn't that feel good to get it all out like that? It has been a little hard to have to watch you go through all of this, and yet at the same time, I do feel like everything will work out. Hang in there, things will be good again, even better!

Love, Mom

P.S. Maybe I should put my house up for sale if the result is that it stays clean all the time. (-:

Rachel said...

Thanks for letting us in! This was very well-written, and it made me admire you guys even more! We all have our bad weeks and our bad moments. (I once threw my keys at a window when I was frustrated about infertility. The window didn't break, luckily, but I felt like a major idiot the moment those keys left my hand.)

I'm so sorry things haven't worked out the way you had hoped!!! I KNOW the perfect opportunity is out there for you guys. I will be praying for you! Hang in there! You are awesome.

Marianne Thayne said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. The most wonderful thing is that you are able to see that Heavenly Father's plan is often different that what we plan for ourselves and you do it with love and companionship! Good Luck in your quest and I hope things fall into place quickly for you. I will include your names in all my prayers and I send my love your way.

Sarah said...

You're in my prayers and thoughts. I know it will all work itself is certainly an unpredictable journey that is for sure!

Lots of love.

kristenita said...

aw man! so sorry!!! BUT IT WILL WORK OUT. and you ARE living life, even if that means looking for jobs & moving around a bit.... good luck with all these big hard decisions.

PS I didn't think that post was too much information! I thought you were going to say you were expecting another baby or share something along those lines! :)

Brent said...

This is such a surprise. I really am sad for you because it seemed so wonderful on the blog the last few months. The new house -near family etc. I have always liked a new adventure myself but I am sure that you are getting sick of adventure after adventure. I am convinced that better things are always ahead and we have to always have hope.
I am very glad to see that even perfect marriages like Rachel and Tyler's have their moments. It makes me feel much better.
this is Kashann by the way
Now hurry up and move to NH with us! :) At least pray about it.

Natalie said...

That sound so stressful! Hopefully you will figure things out soon and be in your new "perfect home." You can always move back to Buffalo! I will keep you in my prayers.

Alicia said...

Hey Rachel - I've been meaning to leave a comment for days but I got sick know how that goes!

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and letting us in on what's going on over at your house. Life is so crazy. I was thinking the other day that I'm really pretty good at not comparing my life to other people's lives, but the hardest thing for me is not comparing my life to where I think my life should be. When we left business school and found out we were going to be on the East Coast for at least 5 more years (I love the East, but I miss family after almost 8 years away!), it was really hard on me for that reason and I've thought a lot about that - and it sounds like you were describing a similar thing. Anyway, hang in there. I know it's hard when you have been doing everything "right" and felt good about things only to have things take a different turn that's out of your control. You guys are such an amazing family, I know good things are coming your way!!

Tasha said...

I am so sorry about all the pain and stress you have been dealing with. We've been trying to find a job for Carl in WA (he'll be graduating in May), but it is SO competitive over there, so we completely understand. We are waiting to hear back on a residency (the one in Toppenish) but we would live in Sunnyside, but we still don't know if that will go through. It's so scary that he'll be graduating soon and has nothing lined up. We want so badly to be close to family again, especially after these difficult 4 years. I'm so sorry that you have to leave Olympia, and leave a house you love. I was just telling Carl this morning that I wonder if we aren't learning what we are supposed to be, because it really has been one difficult trial after another for us here in Buffalo. I'm so sorry to be typing so much to you, I guess I just wanted to express I completely understand how you are feeling (to a certain degree). I will pray for you that you guys will find your perfect opportunity soon!