Warning- This post will contain:
*Too much information
*Evidence that shows how far from perfect I am
*News on our future
First a brief synopsis of the last 8 months-
Tyler's residency ends. We still haven't closed on the practice we were trying to buy. We are unemployed and paying on student loans. We decide to take the safe, predictable job. We move to Olympia. We rent a house. We instantly make great friends. Love living by family. Love Garret's school. We decide that we can make the job work and let go of the idea of buying a practice. We look at houses just for fun. Find a forclosure that fits the house we have always dreamed about. We decide since it fell in our laps to buy. We are excited. We move in. We build shelves and spend ever waking minute working on the house. It starts to feel like a home. We spend our nights sitting on the couch talking about how we are going to grow old here. Tyler starts getting fewer hours at work. We start to think about if this is really going to work for the long term. We want it to so we don't have to uproot ourselves again, but realize it's not what we thought we were getting into. We hash it out night after night. We are unsettled inside and unsure what to do. The snow hits. Tyler doesn't work for 6 days in a row. We have no power. We spend each day thinking about how much we wish he were working. We are forced during the week to make some decisions. We realize (for lots of reasons) this is not where we should stay for the long haul.
The last two months and especially the snow week were some of the hardest times we have had. We were torn between wanting to stay for good reasons and wanting to leave for good reasons. I felt angry about having to move again. I felt frustrated that after years of living on nothing we were back to that again. I was sad that switching jobs meant selling "our" house and letting go of the image I had of us having a place to grow old in. Tyler felt discouraged that he wasn't giving me the things I wanted and burdened by decisions. We were both upset (not so much with each other as with the situation). One night we were talking and I said "I liked the plans I had and they were good things" I vented about it. Tyler said "I liked your plans too, except how you wanted to paint Adele's room" (he was trying to lighten the mood). For whatever reason that was the straw that broke the camels back. I burst into tears and with great enthusiasm I said "It doesn't matter anyway, I'll never have a room to decorate for her" then I kicked the walker that happened to be in front of me (this is very out of character for me). My foot was black and blue for a week and every time I walked I was humbled.
I assume if you are reading this you know us pretty well. You know we have a great marriage. With 100% sincerity I can say it's the best I could have ever dreamed of. After the foot kicking incident I woke up and escaped my slump. We talked like we always have in the past and reminded ourselves what was really important. We realized all the frustration we felt was not intended for each other. We are back on the same page. It does not mean I won't cry when the house sells (I didn't even keep my boxes). It doesn't mean I don't feel anxious as we send out applications across the country and try to decide on the future. I am scared to make another move. We tried taking the easy predictable job before and it didn't turn out well....or did it. We made some great friends here and have loved our time here. Maybe it was only meant to be an interlude. I just don't know!
We listed our house this week. I am back to keeping it clean all the time in hopes someone will want to look at it. I spend my nights looking up jobs, in hopes we won't be unemployed again (and watching Dr Quinn when I just need a break- see another confession). We are in that place we didn't want to be again. I guess we didn't learn what we were suppose to! The hardest part for me is that when my mind is so occupied with the future I have a harder time living in the present. I adore my kids so much I don't want to waste this time looking at jobs I want to be playing with them and enjoying these moments with them. It feels like most of Titus's life has been spent moving from one place to another. Feel free to throw a prayer our way that we can find out niche soon so I can enjoy what matters most even if it is not in the house of our dreams.
As you can see 2012 is going to be another adventure for us. I am determined to see it as that! I know that we are truly blessed and I would not trade our family or experiences for any others. I am grateful for the good people we have met with each move. It's been a ride already and we are only getting going.
Thank you for allowing me to vent!